Now, I love my kids, and I love spending time with them, especially now that they are older. We have made a lot of changes over the years--my wife leaving full time employment and being a stay at home mom, ditching daycare, and homeschooling. Everyone is happier. We have less money but a sense that we are not going against our inner-currents. During those years, things just didn't feel right, but we didn't know why. I was always open minded about gender roles, but sometimes nature wants a say too when it comes to the order of things.
I remember years ago actually spending an afternoon at a playground with an actual stay at home dad at a local church. He was a young guy, maybe early thirties like me, wife had a good job and he didn't, and confessed to me how hard it was--not the taking care of the kids or cutting the crusts off sandwiches, but having any kind of relationships with other men and being able to relate to them (and vice versa). He seemed so...isolated and lonely. I confess, I couldn't really relate either. I did get his phone number out of a sense of empathy, but never called him to hang out.
My kids were watching a movie a few weeks ago called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Jennifer Garner is the mom working in a high-level position at a publishing house in L.A., and Steve Carell, the dad, is recently unemployed and has been looking for work for seven months. It appears to be a temporary situation, as he is actively looking for employment. While doing so, he attends play groups with the baby; when his son speaks his first word, "He called me FOMMY!" (father-mommy), Carell beams with delight, as the other moms applaud.
There's something about progressivism that tries to erase--erase our nature, erase established social norms, erase biology, erase fertility, erase shame, erase God and His precepts. After it has finished erasing, it tries to reinvent--that things don't always have to be this way, that we can write our own destiny script, that traditional values are outdated and based in ignorance. It takes down a fence without knowing or bothering to find out what it was erected for, to paraphrase Chesterton.
Here's the thing--there's nothing inherently wrong in a wife bringing home the bacon and a husband raising the children. Sometimes it makes the most sense on a surface level, and sometimes it is due to survival and necessity. I say inherently, because it's the exception not the norm for a reason. And I think it's safe to say that the aquifer with which the roots of this family dynamic draws its water from is feminism--a carcinogenic ideology.
In my SAHD Dilemma post, "Fred" (a fireman) responds with frustrated honesty to a Dear-Abbey type column revolving around a woman having issues in her marriage and the women commenters saying "he needs to see a doctor," "He's depressed," etc. I think it shows what most men in these situations think and feel deep down inside--that this kind of household setup goes against their very nature as men:
"I disagree with pretty much all the advice given in this article and with the armchair psychologists replying. I am a full-time firefighter as well as the primary caregiver for my two little girls. I can tell you that I found this article by googling “being a stay at home dad sucks.” Due to my work shifts, I am able to be home, on average, four days during the week with the kids while my wife works her 9-5. I work with several men who do the same thing I do while their wives work (although a vast majority chose to work a second job instead of being home).
After 4 years of this I can tell you that very few men are cut out for the stay-at-home-dad role. This has been my own experience as well as the experience of every other guy I work with that does the same thing I do. The same issues that stay-at-home-moms face (isolation, lack of stimulating activity) are even worse for men because there are just fewer dad’s out there than moms and really no other adults around to hang out with. Dad’s don’t go on “play dates” with their kids during the day because, lets face it, the other husbands in the neighborhood aren’t going to want some other guy hanging out with their wife while the kids play together. I wouldn’t want that either. The husband in this letter is probably depressed but he doesn’t need medication, a professional, or anything else suggested. HE NEEDS TO GET THE H**L OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO BACK TO WORK. End of story. The guy feels completely trapped in his situation with no end in sight. Put the kids in daycare before this poor man loses his marbles or decides to take a nap in the garage with the doors closed and the car running.
He is not a failure, he doesn’t have a mental condition, he’s a man who needs to get out and provide for his family for his own sanity. The days I am able to get out and work during the week are the only thing that keep me sane. I get to interact with other adults and solve real problems. I could not imagine having to be home 5 days a week with no way to stimulate my brain for years to come. I don’t care what anyone says, (most) men are not cut out to stay home with the kids and I’m not at all ashamed to say that I can’t wait until my kids start school so I can work more and do the other things I used to enjoy during the day. Every guy I work with in the same situation says the same exact thing."
At this point in our lives, if we were hard up for money, I would rather take on two extra jobs than be in this situation. My wife was never really happy working full-time in a manager role, and I felt guilty about not providing more. Daycare and everything that goes with it was a kind of trap to justify her high income. I for my part was able to rest on my laurels and wasn't pushed to make more or seek out additional opportunities to support my family. Our kids hated being away from their mom when they were young, and they weren't pining for me either.
I know there are families, even conservative families where the wife has a high-profile career, who maybe could make this kind of arrangement work. I think they are the exception rather than the norm, though. I think the vast majority of women really want to be home, and the vast majority of men, if given the opportunity, want to work. It just seems to be part of our nature and right order, and when we go against it, we feel the chaffing.
In a two-income setup, you can get pretty used to things how they are. You get used to that extra income, and you build your lives around it--you buy maybe more house than you would otherwise, finance your cars, do more convenience shopping than you would otherwise, take vacations to get away from the stress of work. Elizabeth Warren (of all people) wrote about this in her book, The Two Income Trap.
A buddy called me the other day--he's not a stay at home dad, but is relatively low on the totem pole in his career. His wife works part time to help supplement their income and makes decent money doing so (they have six kids), but has been starting to feel like she doesn't want to anymore. He confessed how he didn't see how it would work financially if that income went away, and the pressure and unlikelihood of making more money in his current position.
I really, really sympathized with his situation. It was very familiar. I try not to avoid, "This worked for us, so it will work for you too" advice. And I think what's scary is there really is a stepping out in faith that one has to make in trusting that God will provide, even when you don't see a way, when we seek to honor Him and put things in right order. Again, there is nothing wrong with a woman working part-time or trying to be a Proverbs 23 wife for her family; it can even be laudable. But to the extent that it is causing marital and family stress and discord, one may want to take a deeper dive and reassess the causes of the malaise.
These kinds of difficult situations can also require some belt-tightening and sacrifices, careful budgeting, and an honest assessment of priorities and what is most important. Many times the "We can't..." doesn't actually mean one can't, but that one is making choices that wouldn't make a new situation work. There is also the trust issue--do we trust God to make a way when we don't see one and when the numbers don't add up? Do we go all in on (not recklessly, but with confidence) or are we a "man of two minds," as St. James says? These are questions for personal discernment, not external judgement. I have always been a proponent of "do what works," but if something is not working as a result of not being in the current of God's plan for us, it may be worth re-examining in prayer.
One note--men who experience unemployment (especially when prolonged) inevitably experience depression riding its coattails. Men were made to work, and when men (especially young men) can't or don't, it comes out in some not-to-good ways, both individually and in society. A wife who can help during these times are a source of grace; this is not what this post is about. Sometimes you have to do what you have to to survive. But when the roles and dynamics are switched and push against our nature--as much as a progressive might tell you there's no difference between male and female, that a dad can substitute for a mom (or two two dads or two moms), that the fruit of feminism is progress...well, you may want to examine the fruit of their claims by digging down a few layers to see how it's all playing out.
A final note--this year of St. Joseph has been pivotal for us. He has been a true patron for our family, and after our family consecration, we experienced great grace (especially in my role with work). So if you haven't undertaken it, I would highly suggest it. St. Joseph is the model par excellence for men and fathers--a worker, a provider, a protector. He was no "Fommy." He was a husband, father, and man, through and through--a true model for men both then and now.
Very wise words
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